deep inside me…


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So recently during swimming I had a thought. I don’t know how and if it is a valid thought but it was like this: I’m trying to do all these things that in the total should make me somehow unique and different from all the other people – sexual orientation, profession, gym, swimming, regular reading, voluntary service, etc. But where it brings me? Does it not push me off the „romantic market” immediately? People love average, regular, mediocre stuff. It somehow felt for a moment that I am hurting myself by doing all this stuff, I will never find anyone who will like this in me, or find me attractive. And I will be alone. But then I realized I do all this stuff because I like it, I like the notion that it gives me, this uniqueness even if no one else finds it cool. And so what if the price is that I will never get laid or find a partner? This way or the other I will die in the end, and I do not want to be normal. So fuck it.

I do not understand. Well, that’s not new. But now in a new way. Yesterday, it was around 16:00, super sunny Sunday, time slowly flows, and I had no idea what to do. I felt like whatever I would do had no sense. I could learn some French, but what for? I could code, but what for? I could learn German, but what for? I was unusual. Usually I had a plan, I knew what to do. I felt some purpose behind. But now? It suddenly felt like: why do I even lie to myself? It won’t change anything. I drift since a couple of years. I feel like I’m on a fast line to become the most grumpy person in the world, like those old men in Hollywood movies that are single, weird, live alone and have weird pets.
I do have a few theories what is going on but I don’t know if I care enough to fight it. No! I do. Fuck. It’s me, I still don’t want to be the guy that is going up, everything seems so nice and then a break, everything is falling apart and he ends up on the street. I just have to start another project.
My theories btw. Internet addiction, social skills (not meeting any new people, until now I had a regular influx of new people, mostly because my friends told me great, interesting stories about their friends, but still, and now I know this German guy but he is all about himself), I finished my projects, I wanted to live abroad – done, wanted to learn how to swim – done, wanted to speak German – done, maybe now I just have to push myself into something new. I have to feel I’m climbing on a new top. It may be the hardest though. I have to fight Internet addiction, but without completely cutting myself out, as I work with computers, I have to change my personality and improve my social skills. I think this is the clu. I can pretend, be defensive, ask myself „why should I change myself? they should like me as I am” but what if I am not what I am? But again the image of myself I have in my head is put there by years of growing up in Oz. Is it correct? How can I figure out what is me? Anyway, now I see my future ‚me’ as a center of social life, with colorful people around and handsome and with great hair and with great body. The worst thing is that I started to realize I can not cheat biology and genes, I look how I look, I fight to change myself but still there is the one reflection in the mirror, or one person that looks like I WANT to look like and I feel like 10 years old me again, the one that was laughed in the face because of stupid glass frames… Those moments are my cryptonite and I can’t find a way to fight against them. And also, aside of my addictions, I feel like in the recent time there was a lot of exposition to such cryptonites and I just feel weak.
On Friday I fly to London for four days. I only hope it will not ruin London for me. I always feel there like I’m home.
Later Rotterdam, alone, I hope I’ll survive. Or not.
Ok. That was a horrible stream of conciousness. I don’t even want to proof read that.
At least I think I realize I can not, I WILL NOT, give up. Next project: become a specialist in my job and figure out how to create something special, unique and Lord Sugar-ish like.

How many times a day is it normal to think about death? Is once an hour too much?

Where did I make a mistake that the most of my thinking time in a day takes imagining what it will be when I turn into dust? Just stop existing. What would happen if I took this one plane that falls from the sky or is blown up? I’m afraid. I have to face 3 plane journeys this year, which means 6 flights, actually 7 because one return is in two legs. Anyway, the thing is, I look around, people are partying, playing, having fun, they seem to think they are invincible, but it can be just a second that they will be proved wrong. I can’t relax, everytime I indulge myself I feel guilty and fear that I will be punished and die. Is it my Catholic background? Did something happen in my childhood? Is it connected to my fear I had in high school that I can’t masturbate during the school week because I will not perform good during the lessons? And I always waited and did it on Fridays and Saturday?

Recently I again started having small panic attacks. I wake up at night and feel the emptiness and irreversible fact of death, I just suddenly feel that it is the ultimate event, and there is no way back when I die, and I, not really scream but raise my voice and with sorrow say: „Noo”! I hate this feeling.

What is there if there is no wife, kids, family? I was busy up to my middle twenties getting

I was busy up to my middle twenties getting education and a job. Now I have it. And? The only life pattern I have in my head is a wife, kids, family. Every day I do not have it I feel like I’m losing something. I see no other option. When I try to think of something I get excited for a week, maybe two and then again. I am hit by a thought that it all is pointless and I’m wasting time. I stand in front of a borderless vacuum and have no idea how to fill it up. I Just see a span from 28 years old to death. But there is nothing. I have no plan right now.


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How do you know if you’re crazy?

I always thought of myself that I’m a good observer.

I observe myself.

I think I’m really close to being completely crazy.

And I feel like I’m going full speed in this direction, no breaks, no way to stop.


How strong human’s nature is that we don’t just kill ourselves and spare ourselves the effort? It is obvious and undeniable that we will vanish, disappear, die, extinct. Just wait a bit longer and the Sun will expand and kill us, or the core of Earth will become solid. Whatever. We have no chance. But still, we have such a strong will to survive, to avoid danger and devote ourselves to pleasure. Would it really be unreasonable just to annihilate ourselves, just right now, in this very moment? Why do we have to push forward? Of course there is always this little hope that maybe we will survive, that we will master the elements and fly into the galaxies. Ok, let’s say we do. But what then? I can’t imagine. I live here and now. I do not take part in the procreation cycle. I can support others to do well. I can help somehow. I hope I will, if not, what is left? Just pack your bags and meet Anna Karenina at the platform? Or not? I’m just a human, I have to carry on, even if I don’t understand it, just let it be. Becoming 28 next week. Cool. Toll. Klasse. Zimlich abgefahren.

I’m missing something, the factor that would stop me from waking up at night with the real and scary, frightening feeling that I’m going to die and it will be irreversible and final. It’s the success pressure. No I am where I am and I don’t think about changing anything. Actually I’m afraid to change anything. It’s like when I was starting college and I thought that I can study computer science without having a computer… Because it would mean a change, something new, I would have a laptop that I’ve always only dreamt about but never dared to have it. But then I had my father who just bought it for me and almost forced it to me… And now it’s a similar situation. I have to start a new job, learn new things, move to a closer location so I don’t waste 1.5h every day for commuting, but I’m afraid I’m trying to convience myself that ‚I’m fine… I don’t need changing anything’ Instead of reaching out for the best thing for me, wanting more for myself, I’m just fine! I will never earn millions if I’m satisfied with 2000! And I’m 27 years old. Almost 30! I should be an adult! And I’m still 18 years old, with the same fears, problems, limitations… And now it feels so real, now I see that it’s my fault. Previously I could have lied to myself that I have the success pressure, because I was moving forward, I was getting better and better for myself. But! It was because I was surrounded by great friends. They managed to push me in the right direction. But now… I’m in the middle of the sea and there is only me. I have to feel the power. Otherwise I don’t know what will happen. I don’t accept my ‚I’m fine’ attitude. But if my stress reactions will be stronger I don’t know… I don’t know…

And I sit here. Haveing eaten my sandwiches with cheese and ham, drinking tea and feeling like my mother. Having similar posture. Now after two years of this freakshow I feel like I’m reaching the border of my being, am I cleansing? Am I recovering the balance? I’m 27. One more year and I should be an adult. In my head I’m 10 years behind regular development. I still feel like a weak duckling. I’m confronted with a weird environment at work, I’ve started doubting in my whole value system. Am I crazy? Should I adjust? Be like others? I don’t care about the values that they follow, I hate thinking that I would be like them. But I don’t see any alternative. I’m scared that either I’ll adjust or I’ll end up as some homeless hippie who looks at the sky and believes in forces of nature, because people are toxic and evil.

I’m changing job in two months, I’ll try to survive to this time, I may try to experiment and try myself a bit on the way, I have to find my way. This is hard. Harder than I thought.

Sometimes I notice that the more alone I live the more excuses I can think of when something doesn’t match my expectations :(

I need to get back to the reality. I’m trying tomorrow. It will hurt. I am ready.

So here I am. Long months after the change. But is it a change? Still the same. ‚What’s up with you?’ ‚What’s new?’ ‚Tell me all about that!’ And of course, gerne, with pleasure: „I am”. „I am” – here, now. How could I not see it? Rewind. I saw it. I didn’t appreciate it. I didn’t realize it. I’m nothing. I’m a reflection. I don’t want. I don’t desire. I don’t require. I don’t long. I just am. I flow with the time. Grabbing what’s around. And since not much is around my hands are empty. I’m trying to remember and go back to my real desires from the time when I was young. But really? 27 years and being driven by desires of 10 years old? But let me try. I remember. Sitting one sunny afternoon at the balcony with a notebook and pencil. Adding numbers together. Trying to calculate how much money do I need to have to open my own company. A company. I didn’t know which domain, which market. Just a comapny. To be a director. I don’t even want to analyse why in my head the idea appeared. But I suspect it… it’s not ambition, it’s again, dreams of my parents, regrets, their complaints that they are just workers but if they were directors! Oh man! Yes, then I can do it for them. Because why not. At least I won’t be that empty. I’ll feel the void. But that was 15 years ago. Now the void is growing. My body is fighting against it. I will not give up my life. After all they are still alive. Even if on the phone I can’t give them anything less than there is now. Only more. For them. For everyone.

PS. I miss you.


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